Suffering

I am lousy at suffering.

But the Lord is calling me to mental suffering right now, the suffering of uncertainty about whether we can reach our dear baby before his counrty shuts down to international adoptions sometime in June.

A dear friend emailed me today and sent me these wise and comforting words:

I keep going back to what you prayed for at the beginning of the year.  Suffering. Your request has stayed with me in my heart because it touched me that you would ask Christ for suffering... God did make you suffer with some real ailments.... but to suffer for your child!  Heartbreaking!   but I wonder... 

How did God feel sending his Son to suffer for mankind?  How did Mary endure the passion of Christ ?  
Of course we cannot know God's plans for us.  He wants us to prosper!  He wants us to love!  He knows the plans He has for us!  He knows us by every hair on our head.  We cannot ask Why (is there this delay and doubt)?   If we do, then we shoudl be asking God 'why' when things are going our way too. (why are my kids healthy, why do I have a happy marriage?  Why do I have intelligence? Why has God graced me with the gift of faith?)

My advice is to stick close to Christ.  Rely and trust in Him.  If you find you cannot pray, which is difficult to do when we are upset, just vision yourself being held by Him.  He does hold you in the palm of His hand!
Also unite yourself to Mary.  Who better to ask than Jesus's sweet mother?!  She will help you.

Last night I visited 7 Churches and saw Jesus in the Eucharist sitting alone in the stripped bare semi-darkness...

waiting.

Like my baby. Like me.

All I could do was pray along with Jesus, "Abba, not my will, but thine, be done."

And wait for the Resurrection, that is sure to come. In God's own time.

Trust

A new challenge has appeared in our international adoption...

One which I have no control over...

And I don't like it.

Give me a problem I can attack and I am ready to roll.

Present me with an opportunity for horribilizing with little concrete action that can be taken, and I alternate between panic and terminal frustration.

Serenity is not my strong suit.

Yet, and perhaps BECAUSE of this trait, the Lord keeps calling me to imitate our Blessed Mother.

Courageous and strong...

And silently trusting.

Sure, she "showed up" to do the work she was presented with (for Elizabeth, for the apostles, at the foot of the cross)...

Sure, she suffered (how could she not, watching her precious son reviled and tortured and finally killed?)

But her trust in God never faltered, not for an instant....

Unlike the rest of us (me!) dealing with the fallout of original sin.

So my resolution is to "show up", do my work, pray a lot and suffer a bit (I will only be drinking water all of Holy Week until Easter Sunday morning)...

And invite Mary to be by my side all the way...

to teach me how to to trust.

On my mind about abortion...

I left the essay below in the combox of a fantastic blogger I have linked on my sidebar, Barefoot and Pregnant...

post is here, my comments are underneath both there and here....
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I am an attorney (and mom of 6) and firmly believe that in 150 years abortion (and Roe v. Wade) will be viewed legally and morally as the same kind of atrocity that slavery (and the Dred Scott decision which allowed black people to be defined as "property" of whites) is viewed with today...

think about it, the same reasoning and excuses are used...

"well slavery is not pretty but we NEED it economically in the South"
"some slaves LIKE being slaves"
"some really wonderful people (like the Founding Fathers) own slaves"
"I wouldn't personally own slaves, but I am not going to tell someone else that they can't"
"don't tell me what to do with my property!"

sub "body" for property and I dare you to tell me we are not using the same arguments here in 2011 as we were in 1860 to justify something most people of good will and conscience KNOW in their GUT is WRONG!!!

On a personal note, my friend was coerced into an abortion at age 18 by her boyfriend and a "helpful" doc, she is still living with the psychological fallout today and would not wish it on anyone else...

so if we agree that abortion causes pain and carrying an unwanted pregnancy to term causes pain, how about we choose the pain that leaves us with a LIVING baby instead of a DEAD one???

RAISED

Today's Gospel reading was the detailed story of the raising from the dead of Jesus' good friend Lazarus....

Lazarus did not "rise" from the dead (that would imply he did this miraculous thing of his own power), but he was "raised" by the power of another - namely Jesus.

It struck me that one small way I can imitate Jesus is to help "raise" those around me...

While unlike Jesus, I cannot "make" anything happen by purely my own efforts, I CAN be a catalyst and encouraging force for those I love to overcome sin and to exert themselves along the paths of righteousness.

We women, especially we wives and mothers, are very powerful in this respect.

But it is not easy. It can be painful to us personally.

We should not be surprised. Jesus cried right before he raised Lazarus.

This week I resolve to RAISE UP those around me.

RAISE my husband to greater patience and peacefulness.

RAISE my ds#1 to the efforts needed as he finishes his Senior year and registers for junior college.

RAISE my ds#2 to avoid procrastination (wonder where he gets this trait from?)and dig in to work hard during the incredibly tough second semester of Junior year.

RAISE my dd#1 to greater obedience and less whining when she needs to pitch in for family responsibilities.

RAISE my dd#2 to calm when she is whipping herself into frantic activity.

RAISE my ds#3 to activities that nurture his mind and body rather than being attached to electronics all day.

RAISE my dd#3 to.... I don't really know...she just turned 2 and is amazingly cute right now...

Oh yes, her "Dora the Explorer" addiction...

RAISE my dd#3 to spend time in creative play with and without mommy and daddy and siblings instead of watching 8 Dora episodes per day...

I will need to RAISE my heart and mind in prayer all this week to Jesus in order to have any chance of doing any of these!

Following Mother Teresa

It was a good week last week...a busy week...a productive week...

a week of growing in holiness...

and then I screwed it up on Sunday, the Lord's day.

I felt "put-upon", blew up at few people in the household and generally threw a littler "temper tantrum"...

all while getting ready to leave for Mass!!

I need Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta at times like this!

This powerhouse of a soul visible to the world only in a quiet tiny plain package, serving the poorest of the poor...

so in love with Jesus, even when he was so far away from her...

so here are her words of wisdom I plan to focus on this week...

We must have a real living determination to reach holiness.
I will be a saint means I will despoil myself of all that is not God;
I will strip my heart of all created things;
I will live in poverty and detachment;
I will denounce my will, my inclinations, my whims and fancies,
and make myself a willing slave to the will of God.

Amen Mother.

Sunday Graces

I have realized that all our adoption related activities and keeping up with that blog will be taking up a good portion of time the next few months...

So if you would like to follow our adoption journey, please post your email in the comments or email me privately and I will send you the info...

I will still be posting here as well, but only on Sundays...

I do not want to neglect my walk with God, but "there is a season unto everything under the son"...this blog was INSTRUMENTAL in helping me pray through God's call, and I am already so grateful to have a record look back on to see more clearly how God was/is working in my life and in my family....

Like this entry...

Today I went alone to Church with my 17 year old son...

We sang the Kyrie in Latin and for a moment I could only hear my son, singing low and strong....

And I saw him all grown up holding the Host while singing the Kyrie....

wow.

I was in tears the rest of the way through communion.

He is a junior in high school and is busy working to take the ACT and investigating careers and colleges....

But maybe, just maybe, he is being called to the priesthood.

wow.

I promised the Lord I would specifically pray and sacrifice for his vocation in the coming years.

And maybe he will be an engineer or architect or designer...

Which would be great!

Maybe he andvhis wife will give me 10 grandchildren...

Awesome as well!

But maybe, just maybe, God is calling him, and my prayers and sacrifices will help give him the grace and strength to listen to that quiet call...and I will be able to show him this post someday....

St. John Vianney, pray for him!

The Unbearable Joy of Everyday Life

We had a lovely, music-filled evening tonight at the spaghetti dinner at my oldest son's high school...

He is a member of a co-Ed acapella singing group that is just awesome! We got to listen to them sing "somebody to love" by Queen while eating spaghetti (with meatballs for the little ones and without for the 14 and overs)... Then the jazz combo and larger group played, sounding much more like professionals than high school students...

We got home and the children scattered to the four winds, as they are want to do on Friday nights, and hubby settled into watching the Bulls game...

And I just walked around in awe of it all...

Praising God in my soul for so much more than many have or that I deserve...

A loving husband.

Children to love.

A home.

A Redeemer who died to save ME and those I love and who wants all of us to be joyful with Him forever!

I want to wrap myself in the joy of this moment.

I want to bring Henry here and wrap him in this joy AND my arms.

Jesus I thank you! Jesus I trust in you!