Just a few thoughts as another new week begins...
a) Regarding my pregnancy possibility as noted at the end of My Faith History, sadly such was not God's will at this time.
b) Regarding running the 1/2 Marathon in May, I have committed to do so (along with hubby and ds#2).
c) Regarding an income producing career possibility, something which looked SO promising only a few months ago will need to be put on the back-burner for 6-12 months (and possibly indefinitely).
d) Regarding what God's will IS for me at THIS time, I spent several days pondering and praying and feeling a bit confused. I have been reading such beautiful adoption blogs lately, especially ones about international adoptions of disabled children. Is this what the Lord is calling me to when I can no longer have children of my own? Do I need to wait years to find out?
You see, I am THE QUEEN OF THE GRAND GESTURE!
Look at me!! See what I am doing!! Behold and admire!!
Due to these very real tendencies of mine, I am inclined to see my pull toward adoption as another way (albeit a very charitable way) of seeking to feed my ego. That was the reason I stopped my old blog, because I was getting too caught up in the "prideful" and "narcissistic" side of blogging. That is the reason I have resolved to remain essentially anonymous for this blog. Because in this my year of Living for the Lord, I need to sort out my soul in the quiet wilderness (thanks John the Baptist for reminding me in today's Gospel) and not look for the recognition of anonymous others or even the admiration of those I love.
For the next month (because I count time just as often in fertility cycles as calendar days), I have resolved to live quietly while fulfilling all of my wifely, motherly, work-related and Catholic duties to be best of my ability. Because God's will is found in the place and time where one is right now (thanks Fr. DeCaussade). And right now, I need to curtail my lazy/daydreaming/blog-scrolling tendencies and tend to the people God has given me to love and care for and perform my currently pending work diligently to make money to assist in caring for them.
Right now is where He has placed me and I have all the grace I need to do what I need to do AT THIS MOMENT...not 2 days, or 2 months, or 2 years from now.....but today, this minute, this moment....
Ego mos servo Deus hic quod iam.
I will serve the Lord here and now.