Reflections on January 22

I tried to get away for a few moments yesterday to write this post, but just could not. Baby woke up early. Hubby and ds#2 came back early from a lacrosse practice they could not get to because of a car accident on the freeway. I had clients over to execute their wills. I had a fabulous dinner from Culvers (burgers and onion rings and cheese curds, oh my!) with my family and watched "Biggest Loser"(DVR'd from last Tuesday) and "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy" (taped off cable so the crude stuff could be fast forwarded through, but gosh I love me a Will Farrell comedy!) with my kiddies.

As I shared in my Faith History, I had a miscarriage on January 22, 2004. It would have been my fourth baby, conceived very much in love as my husband and I finally let the Lord into our fertility and our lives in a meaningful way. This baby was probably conceived on December 8, 2003 (the Feast of the Immaculate Conception) but I did not think I was pregnant becuase I bled on Christmas Day and the next several days after....

I also have a history of cystic ovaries, so when I began having abdominal pain the night of January 3 I chalked it up to ovulation pain......until the pain got so bad that I was lying on the bathroom floor at 4am and could not even think straight.....and then I started bleeding.... the pain had subsided a bit by daybreak, so I called my doc's answering service and he called back...

The doc asked if I could be pregnant and I said "No" based on my cycle history, so he did want me to come in but did not deem it an emergency to send me straight to the hospital....DH took the morning off and took me to the doc, who took my history and then did an ultrasound....

and everything changed.

I was pregnant.

And an ovarian cyst had burst.

I needed to go to the ER right now.

We were both in shock, but we held it together and traveled to the hospital nearest our home. I was admitted and given painkillers until the pain subsided from the cyst and the bleeding stopped the next day. I went home to rest and deal with the awesome news....

until I started to bleed again. Back to the doc from the hospital (was closer than my wonderful doc). Baby still there but HCG levels falling. they suggest a d & c. I decline. Bleeding stops the next day.

3 days later bleeding starts again. Back to doc from the hospital. HCG levels are up! They send me home to rest (ha, ha) and bleeding stops again.

3 days later bleeding starts again. Back for bloodwork again and HCG levels are down. They again offer a d & c and again I decline. Bleeding stops the next day....it goes on like this for at least two weeks...

My husband and I are going crazy... are we having a baby or not?

Finally, on the night of January 21, 2004, I go to the 24 hour grocery store quite late (after everyone is in bed) and I start cramping and bleeding again, and I just know that this is it....

about 6 am I miscarried a very tiny baby.

Not a fetus. Not a product of conception. Not another college tuition. Not another burden.

A baby.

I named him "Duncan" and I buried him under a flowering bush in front of our house, in the beautiful blue soft padded box my wedding jewelry had been stored in, with Our Lady's Miraculous Medal blessed in Italy.

His name is in my family bible, with my other 6 children. I talk to him in heaven about how brave he was to give his life so that I could have the deeper conversion and love for Jesus his loss would help to bring about.

I can't wait to see him someday.

Mary, please hold all the aborted and miscarried and stillborn babies in your arms....

and let our Nation see the truth that the emotion of a mother should not decide who lives or dies.